It was my birthday over the weekend. I turned 31. I went for a run listening to the first Joy Division album, then I went for a spray tan. Some things never change. I had a nice birthday evening in a lovely bar. There were lots of flowers. I love my friends! They’re all so camp (in the Sontagian sense of the word).
Had a lovely review of Lazy City in BookForum last week: “Lazy City is not a story for our time. It is a story for all time.” I think the best reviews (by which I mean the most instructive or interesting in saying something specific about *my* book which may enhance a reader’s experience, which is the purpose of a review) have been those in which the writer is confident enough to say that there are not easy comparison titles for Lazy City and it doesn’t fit neatly into publishing trends. It’s fine to say this in a review! More people should.
I also had this piece out last week in The Ditch (a new Irish magazine) about the PSNI data breach and the relationship between the police in the North of Ireland and catholics (like me) in general.
Anyway I thought I would write a list of some things I have learned over my time on earth this week in acknowledgement of my advanced age.
Go to parties and social events and things you like doing by yourself. Many adults can not do this. So boring! You meet interesting people. You can just start talking to whoever you think looks fun, if it doesn’t go well you can exit the conversation quickly. It is less awkward to go to something alone than with one friend because nobody knows you’re there by yourself, you can leave when you want and you don’t have to explain what you’re doing to anyone.
If you handwash clothes you can spin them in the washing machine (just use the spin cycle) with a full load of washing which basically wrings them out, reducing the manual labour of hand washing substantially. I handwash around once a week. You should handwash any vaguely delicate item of clothing. You will extend its life greatly by doing so.
Take care of your things in general. Take clothes to be mended, shine your shoes. Fold clothes properly and hang them up. Take time getting ready in the morning. You feel better about yourself when you do.
Trust fund baby family support network types are totally clueless and blind as to how money works. They truly do think that everyone in the world has a pool of money they can fall back on. They think they don’t think that but they do. They can’t understand what it is to be at the bottom of an overdraft and have no family you can borrow anything from or move in with. Remember that the choices they make are different because of this. They’re snooty about doing things for money because they don’t have to earn money. They’ll complain about being broke as a poet when you know they aren’t broke and that’s something they chose to do and most people can’t make choices like that. Or they’ll be spending months writing a long essay about nothing for a magazine called Tiny Cactus and that’s fine, that’s their choice. They can be fun and sound people, but it’s best to avoid talking to them about work or money because it will make you feel insane.
Don’t read the same books everyone else is reading. I read a quote somewhere once that said “If you read the same things everyone else is reading you will think the same way as everyone else” and I believe this is true. If you write I think it means you write the same as everyone else too.
You know yourself better than anyone else does.
It is a good thing to have been the loser in an environment or two (or three). It is a good lesson to have learned, about how we decide who is interesting or important and how arbitrary this can be.
The world is less a series of good and bad people than it is the people you like and those you don’t. If you like someone you will excuse so much of their bad behaviour. In my view this is one of the great things about humans. But don’t frame your personal preferences to yourself as an objective moral judgement because they aren’t.
Credentialism fosters anti-intellectualism. It also encourages people to outsource their views and opinions because they’re scared to have the wrong ones. This is disempowering and makes for a bland, boring culture determined by the tastes of rich people. (Credentials cost money and the amount they cost seems to go up all the time. Formal education did not used to be like this but we should be honest that it is now). I was talking to someone recently about a piece of writing. They said they didn’t know if it was good or bad. I said: Yes you do. What do you think of it? They said they thought the sentences were too plain, they found it boring to read. I was like: “Then you think it’s bad. Me too, as it happens.” You’re allowed to think something is bad even if it’s in a prestigious gallery or it has got good reviews. Trust your own taste and you will develop it more. Read more, always read more. Read random old books of art criticism. I’m a total snob about writing, art and music but I’m also anti-elitist. This is not a contradiction in terms. You can be too.
Relatedly, if you make something and people don’t know how to categorise it then you will get misread and some people will be angry at you for making it. I have found this with some of the reviews of my book by inexperienced critics or those who don’t read widely, I may write more on this some time. These reactions are from people who don’t treat art with intelligence or curiosity. Making work with this reaction in mind is catering to the lowest common denominator and enough people do that already. I remember my friend said my book reminded him of Jean Rhys’s writing and then I was scared to read her work because I was worried it would be super plain Victorian realism and that would make me sad (I have been discussed in terms of this style a few times and it makes me sad each time because that kind of work is just obviously not an influence of mine at all, and is actually a world away from my project). Then I read it and no, he was right, my work is very like Jean Rhys’s. And then I was like: Well, of course he wouldn’t do that. He’s got a brain.
Running is fun and it helps you think better.
If you do something kind for someone they may never thank you but they will probably remember it.
Never tell someone something unpleasant someone else has said about them unless they truly do need to know. It only brings pointless trouble.
You’re allowed to find professional condescension more aggravating than cat calling. You’re allowed to find catcalling basically harmless in fact. Other people’s sensitivities don’t have to dictate how you feel about things.
People who don’t respect you often presume you don’t respect yourself. Often men who write are contemptuous of women who write, and quite often these men just assume you see yourself the same way they do. This type of man will always treat you as a fan of writing rather than a writer in your own right. No matter how much you have done or how much more successful than him you are. Never sleep with a man who is like this. It’s too degrading. It’s bad for the soul to have sex with someone who thinks that you think you are their inferior. If you accidentally sleep with a man who is like this and you realise, even right in the middle of having sex with him, that he is like this, stop instantly. Leave right that second even if it’s raining or a snow storm.
In general there is no point trying to control anyone else’s perception of you. It’s a waste of time. If you think someone has got the wrong read of you don’t try to prove them wrong, just keep contact with them to a minimum.
If you don’t trust someone as a judge of character in general then it doesn’t make sense to put much stock in their opinions of you.
Invite people you’ve met once or twice to parties. It generates gossip. It’s fun. It means people are much more likely to hook up and then you can spend weeks talking about that. This is what parties should be for. I think our generation can be a little guarded (in London definitely) about making new friends. It’s a shame. But you don’t have to be.
Save up and purchase a signature scent. Perfume is expensive but it lasts for ages. Spend time developing a personal style. Second hand designer clothes cost less than most high street shops. Go to charity shops and browse every single item on every rack. Good things happen to you if you look like an interesting person. Personal style can be a great leveller.
If someone is insecure and routinely passive aggressive you can’t kill it with kindness, it just makes them worse. You can’t ignore it and hope it goes away either. I don’t know how best to deal with it except keeping contact with this type to a minimum. I accept people who are like this are usually not very happy. I’m sympathetic to that but it doesn’t mean I want to spend time around it.
If you have a good sense of humour and you like yourself you have a lot going for you. Having a good relationship with yourself is something worth working towards. It is extremely valuable precisely because it means nothing to anyone else.
Be generous and supportive to other people about their creative work (if the work they make is proper work) even if it’s not to your taste. It won’t always come back to you, sometimes you’re generous to someone and they’re rude to you in return, but it’s a good energy to put out into the world regardless. It’s very hard to put art out. There’s nothing to be gained from making it harder for other people.
If you are a woman be generous to other women. I see women sometimes with this vicious streak when it comes to other women. I know misogyny can make everything feel zero sum but that is not the fault of other women. So much misogyny gets dressed up these days as all kinds of other things. Don’t be someone who participates in that. There are a few slightly older women who have been very generous and kind to me professionally (Monica and Katie come to mind) and I’ll never forget it.
Don’t hate follow people or consistently hate read people’s work. Read something you think is good instead. Go to a bar with your friends instead. Have sex instead. Someone wrote something really sneering about me, my career, and my book the other week and it appeared that he is annoyed at this substack. Don’t hate read this substack every week, that is a total waste of your time. This substack is the definition of something nobody is forcing you to read. Do literally anything else.
Till next time xxxxx
You can buy my novel, Lazy City here.